Internment
The heaviness that keeps us stranded in hostility
Do you remember your first experience of a hostile place? I don’t recall the details, but there was a sense of needing to hold my ground. Stay true, stay aloof. Don't merge with the group or their covert aggressiveness. There was this one girl at school who’d always walk into me. I said nothing, so she grew bold, prodding me with her elbow, pushing me into walls. Once, she scraped my neck with the corner of a book. I turned round and gave her a look, and when she scowled, I gave it right back, a shove that is, not a punch. Perhaps she thought it funny to take out her smallness on someone much smaller. But the truth was far worse. She didn’t see me there. That's my problem. She didn’t see me anywhere. So I grabbed her book and whacked her in the head. Was I proud of that? No. But if she couldn’t see me, then I made her see herself, instead. Respect. Of course, soon after, I left. I wasn’t keen on surviving hell, though I see the appeal in learning what one can be in cutthroat conditions. Don’t speak to me of transcendence if you haven’t walked the trenches. No amount of goodness in this hostile place will stop the mud from sticking to your boots or your sweat stinking of the poisons you must consume. No deep faith can make you levitate, nor can it uncurdle your pain. Light reveals. It doesn’t pay compliments. You want to escape, but do you have what it takes to step into emptiness? But I digress. I’m just bitter. You’d be too, if you kept failing your innocence. So I fell. Was it because I couldn't part with my belongings? That’s another problem. I still hold on to many grudges, and a return ticket on a party bus with those I'm running from. We've parked at the marina for a break. A magic dugong has come out to play. It flies towards me, wraps its tail around my waist and licks my forehead. What fun! An unforgettable experience I will forget. My old home has turned to rubble. I recollect what I can in plastic bags and place two of them in the back of a cab. It drives away while I stay. I have unfinished business in this hostile place.
©Apra Gotla
Good snapshot of many feelings. Thanks for writing and for sharing here. Judi